When your body grieves

I had a miscarriage last week.  It was my first miscarriage.  I have three beautiful, healthy children who are still quite young.  So, in all honesty, losing the pregnancy was not a tragedy in my mind.  It's something that happens to a lot of women.

Of course it's sad.  I cried when the ultrasound doctor told me they could not find a heartbeat and that the fetus had stopped growing several weeks before.  But it didn't take long for my logical side to come out and say, "You know what, it's better this way."  My personal religious beliefs are that the spirit of this child will have another opportunity to come into our family at a later date.  This particular body was not developing properly or something.

Because I had so many reasons to be "okay" with the loss of this pregnancy (not the right time, my other kids are still too young, I have a lot going on right now, etc.), I moved forward.  I didn't really give myself much time to grieve because I felt closure.  

It was only a few weeks later that the actual miscarriage occurred.  My mind had moved on, but my body was just barely coming to terms with the loss of a child.  I found myself bursting into tears at random times.  I saw my friend's newborn boy and started sobbing.  I opened a letter from St. Jude's Cancer Research that contained a picture of a young child with cancer and I started wailing.  

Hormones, of course, were a large part of this, I'm sure.  But I also think my body--- my physical body-- was grieving for the loss of the pregnancy.  Whenever I would start crying,  I could step outside myself and look at the situation from an outsiders perspective.  I was thinking, "Who is this crazy lady? What is going on here?"  There was a separation between my emotional mind and my physical mind.  

Ganga White talks about our different energies in "Yoga Beyond Belief."  He talks of our physical bodies and our energetic bodies--- sometimes while in a pose, our physical body is only going so far, but our energetic body is reaching far beyond our capacity.  I feel like my energetic body was ready to move forward, let go.  But my physical body still needed time to grieve.

Each cell in our body has it's own little life, and each cell is renewed with prana as we deeply inhale and exhale.  We are renewing life force in all parts of our body.

So, for me, it holds true that those cells would also feel and experience that loss of energy that was my miscarriage.  That power to give life was stopped short, and I felt it physically and energetically.

This may make no sense to anyone but me.  It's an experience that brings home the fact that our emotions are completely intertwined with our physical body.  Releasing tension in the physical body will often release tension emotionally and vice versa.  Syl Carson is a wonderful practitioner of emotional healing as well and offers trainings in energy healing that I hope to attend one day.  See more here: Bodhi Yoga Quan.TM training

Yoga and Religion

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I have been a member of this religion since I was 8 years old.  I love going to church, and I have a strong, deep-rooted belief in the truth of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ.

One of the reasons why I love yoga is because it complements my study of the gospel.  I believe that all truth is part of one great whole.  Truth can be found in so many places, and I love the feeling of seeing the same truth from two different angles.  Like watching a ballet from the audience, and then watching it again from backstage.

Bodhi Yoga

Locking out the Kids

The deadline for completing my yoga certification hours is fast approaching.  I have to buckle down and start writing the few final posts on this blog (which I have been putting off for some time.  See The yoga of Procrastination).  In order to do this, I've had to start locking myself in my bedroom while the kids are busy with safe activities.  They always notice my absence within minutes (I'm fairly certain they have some sort of factory-installed mom-radar) and come knocking on the door.

Actually, my girls come pounding on the door yelling and crying.  My son will come over a few minutes later, and I'll hear him say, "Wait... stop... I know what to do."  Then they will all go silent and Nicholas' sweet little voice will come ringing out from the crack under the door.  "Mom?  Are you in there?"

This used to give me mom-guilt.  I used to open the door, with a sigh, the very first time they knocked.  Heck, I never used to even close the door, let alone lock it!

Well, this experience of locking the door and being okay with it has led me to extend the idea further. Every day I interact with people.  I talk to students, store clerks, bag boys, friends, acquaintances, other moms at the playground, people from my husband's work, etc.  Every time to interact with someone, you open up an energy channel connecting you and the other person.

Oftentimes we focus on opening our heart to others-- allowing them into your life-- but I think just as important is knowing when to close that door.  It's okay to close the door to your inner fire and energy, protect it.

When I tried to complete something important with my door wide open, I was always bombarded by small children groping, seeking my attention, ruining my work.  The same can happen when we leave our energy centers wide open--- we'll be bombarded by energy from other people's feelings, desires, and even other planes of energies.  It can overpower our own energy.

I really, really enjoyed this article about opening vs. awakening our energy centers.

I would also take a look at all the wonderful information about chakras available on Bodhi Yoga website.

Yoga as a career

There is a change taking place in my yoga.  Because of the teacher training I've been finishing, the hours of study and practice teaching I've been doing, yoga is becoming a job.  I no longer do yoga only for the pure enjoyment, but also to meet an end goal.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  

I have been so very thankful for the yoga teachers I've had the privilege to study under.  Without journey into the healing arts would have come to a halt many years ago.  So I am grateful that they took the time to become teachers, to get certified, and to hone their practice.  But it makes me wiggle uncomfortably when I think about building up my own teaching career.  

For one, I feel like I am very much a student-- still learning, still unsure, still in need of instruction.  I feel a little ill-equipped to teach with authority.

Secondly, I take a look around and I see what it really takes to be a "successful" teacher.  One must build up a following of students which seems to require a bit of self-promotion.  I just find it hard to marry this idea of self-promotion with the goal of ridding yourself of ego which is so prominent in the practice of asana.  

I'm grateful for the example of Syl, founder of Bodhi Yoga, because I feel that she consistently points students toward yoga and not herself.  But it is so rarely the case out here (in MA).  Some of my favorite teachers-- really skilled, qualified teachers--- spend more time promoting their practice than actually practicing.  

I have no conclusion.  Just musings.  I guess I am grateful that yoga will always be a "side job" for me, as raising my children is still my first priority. 

Throat Chakra

There are 7 sacred energy centers in your body called the chakras.  Places where prana, or life force, freely flows.  Ideally, energy spirals upward from the base of your spine, passing through each of these centers in turn.  Each center connects with different parts of the body, different emotions, different periods of your life, etc.  It can spin sluggishly or too quickly, causing energy blockages or too much energy passing through.

Kundalini-style yoga helps balance the flow of energy through the chakras. 

I like to lay in Savasana after any yoga practice and take notice of how the energy is flowing through my body.  It often helps me recognize where energy is getting blocked and focus my intention on releasing the blockage.  

For me, it's easiest to notice my throat chakra.  Unspoken words, unacknowledged emotions, denied truth, all rest in your throat chakra.  

Today my son, N, was playing with his favorite cousin when a friend came over.  His cousin and his friend immediately hit it off and started playing together without realizing they were leaving N out.  This went on for most of the day; cousin and friend raucously playing with N tagging along behind.  Then the legos came out and emotions ran high as they argued over which one of them had the idea to build a transformer robot.  I could tell there was more behind N's frustration than just legos, and sure enough, after a few minutes he quietly left the room to go hide in a quiet spot with teary eyes.  I followed after him and asked, "Hey, are you okay?"  He was trying to hold in his tears and he pointed at his throat and said, "My neck just hurts here, Mom."  His throat chakra.  All the sadness, anger, loneliness, frustration he'd been feeling all day was literally stopping up his throat.  

We sat and talked for a few minutes and I encouraged him to try and say what he was feeling.  Mostly, I just tried to listen, to let him express those words and thoughts he was holding back all day long.  

When my father had cancer, my whole family spoke of him as if he was going to recover and get back to normal.  We prayed every day that he would make a full recovery.  We ignored his worsening state and focused on the few small bits of good news that came so few and far between.  After many, many months of this, my throat became scratchy and hoarse.  My throat felt swollen and tender.  It wasn't until I lay in Savasana noticing the energy flow in my body that I recognized the ball of tension in my throat chakra.  

I thought to myself, "What am I not saying?"  And instantly my father came to mind.  My father was dying.  Of course I didn't want this happen, and of course I wanted to manifest his recovery and send healing thoughts his way.  But the simple act of expressing that thought that I had been repressing for so very long dissolved the blockage.  The dull ache in my throat that seemed to always be present was gone.  I did not feel good; I did not like that statement.  But saying it was liberating.  My father was dying from cancer.  Nothing changed, but I was able to face the situation with a little more clarity.  I felt a little more grounded and peaceful with whatever may come.

My favorite poses for the throat chakra:

Fish Pose

Wheel

See more about the chakras at Bodhi Yoga--- there is an online workshop that's wonderful!

Fasting

Fasting, when you abstain from food or drink, is a common practice in many religions.  It is also a common practice in Ayurveda (which, in my mind, is very closely tied to yoga).  In both instances, it is used to cleanse and purify the body/mind connection.   

Having an empty stomach gives your body time to "catch up."  It helps renew your digestive fire (agni) and promotes mental clarity.  There are many different kinds of fasting--- you could abstain from all food and drink, abstain from solid foods but continue to drink water and herbal teas, you could eat only fruits, vegetables, and juices, or you could eat only light foods (like a kitchari cleanse).

It's important to choose the timing, duration, and type of fast according to your constitution and digestive strength.  A long fast with no food or water may not be the best choice for a Vata constitution, while a simple kitchari cleanse might not be strong enough for a Kapha type.  Be wise in your choices, and consult an Ayurvedic practitioner if you're really not sure.

I love coming to my mat during a fast to do a few restful postures.  Fasting is a perfect time to practice restorative yoga.  Bring some large, firm pillows or cushions with you to your mat.  Begin with your breath, sitting in an easy, comfortable pose.  Allow your mind to be still, breathe in with a relaxed abdomen, filling your body with air from the top down.  When you're filled with air, pause for a few seconds before gently beginning the exhale.  After every last drop of air has been expelled, pause for a moment before inhaling once more.  Slowly breathing, mentally focusing on the breath, your mind will settle and your body will relax.  

Try placing a few pillows or cushions behind you and gently leaning backward, supporting your body on the cushions.  Your arms can fall open to the sides. 

Restorative yoga is all about giving your body time to rest, relax, and sink into each posture.  It's all about supporting your body so that it can relax.  

Bodhi Yoga offers the best restorative yoga classes I've ever attended.  If you're in the area, give one a try!  

Kratu

Kratu was one of the four mind-born sons of Brahma, ______ .  He was intelligence personified.

My teacher, Syl Carson of Bodhi Yoga, used the word "kratu" to mean our personal wisdom and intelligence in action.  She would often tell us to use our "kratu" while practicing to make sure we don't get hurt, or to use our "kratu" while teaching others to make sure we are not hurting them.

I love this idea of intelligence in action.  It's one thing to know something, and it's another thing entirely to put that knowledge to use wisely.

Just as an example, let's talk about high school.  When I was 16 I knew how to drive.  I had taken drivers education; I passed my driving exam; I was given my license.  I knew how to drive.

I routinely put that knowledge into action by going to the city (an hours drive) with my friends regularly.  Not to mention the time I put in driving to and from school, parties, athletic events, etc.  I'd say I'd logged at least 1000 hours driving before I was 17.

But was I wise in the use of this knowledge??  oooooooh dear me.  I had 4 accidents before I was 18. Yes, you read that right.  3 of those 4 accidents happened within 6 months of each other.  I accidentally backed into a family friend in a parking lot; I turned left into an oncoming car; I rear-ended a fellow student when it was raining and slippery; and I side-swiped a concrete pillar in my sister's brand-new mini-van.  Sigh.  No, I was not wise in the practice of my driving knowledge.

Intelligence in action is using your knowledge wisely--- I may "know" how to do yoga because I've been practicing for years.  I may "know" how to teach yoga because I took a teacher training course.  But am I using that knowledge wisely?

It's an interesting question to ponder.  I believe that with every class I teach, with every new interaction with a student, and especially with my own personal practice time, my wisdom grows.

Coping with anxiety

Daily yoga practice has brought about many changes in my life.  I've experienced many physical benefits (like my pants fitting better, better digestion, and less frequent sickness), but the mental benefits are what surprise me most.

Ever since I was little I have had a fear of throwing up.  Me throwing up.  A stranger throwing up.  Hearing someone throw up.  Seeing it.  Thinking about it.  Ugh.  Honestly, I cringe even writing the words "throw up."  My family always said I had a "Barf Radar," because I have a sixth sense about vomit.  I always seem to know beforehand when someone is going to hurl, and I would run and hide as quickly as I could.

Having children is NOT a vomit-free job.  It's pretty inevitable that you will someday be cleaning up throw-up in the middle of the night...multiple times.  When I had my first child, I was panic stricken.  I'm not kidding--- moments after giving birth, I started freaking out about the inevitability of puke.  It strikes fear into my heart.  I have no idea why.  I think that's the definition of a phobia, right?

Anyway, the point of all of this is that when my son used to get sick (even just a runny nose and cough), I would tense up.  I'd start trembling so badly I couldn't hold a cup.  My bowels would start churning and I'd get stress-diarrhea. I was so anxious and scared I would make myself sick.  The possibility of him maybe throwing up was too much for me!  I would spend the entire night awake and tensed.

Since I've started a daily yoga practice I find that I have space in my mind to step back from any situation before I react.  So when my children get sick now (actual throw-up sick), and I start to feel myself getting anxious, I breathe.  I'm able to look at the situation and see that there is no physical threat here.  It is a "perceived threat," and my body is reacting as if it were in danger.  All of a sudden I can stop the anxiety in its tracks.  I can breathe it away and move forward with the mantra, "I am safe."

Yoga is a physical practice that guides our bodies into situations of "stress" and teaches us to breathe through the stress.  Relax into it.  As we move into different asanas we are teaching our bodies to move into stress and find peace.

In an article published in her teaching manual, Syl Carson, founder of Bodhi Yoga, says, "In cultivating a yoga practice we teach our bodies how to move into perceived stress, 'playing the edges' of pain, discomfort and opening.  Outwardly this may look like simply a physical movement, however; the process is equally mental as we face our own internal fear and control issues" (Yoga and the Physiology of Stress)

Anxiety has always been a part of my life, and it will probably always be a part of my life.  My Vata constitution makes me prone to anxiety if I'm out of balance.  Thankfully yoga is a simple exercise in bringing me back to earth.  It gives me the ability to recognize times of stress and not allow them to carry me off into fits of anxiety.

Doshas

A few years ago, a friend of mine started talking about "the doshas."  It sounded a bit like a personality test you'd find in a magazine... so naturally I was into it.  :)

Your dosha, or mind-body composition, is determined when you're conceived.  It's your unique mixture of the five elements (ether, air, fire, water, earth).  Everyone has a different ratio of these elements in their composition.  The three doshas are:

Vata (air and ether), the energy of movement

Pitta (fire and water), the energy of transformation

Kapha (water and earth), the energy of construction

Your dosha will be a unique ratio of all three of these.  Usually with one or two as the leading dosha.
For example, I am a pitta-vata.  That doesn't mean that I don't have kapha, it just means that pitta and vata are more prevalent.

Your natural state is called your Prakruti.  However, environment, diet, stress, habits (i.e. LIFE) can cause us to go out of balance and enter a state of dis-ease.  These periods of imbalance are your Vikruti.  Luckily, knowing your dosha can help bring you back into a state of ease and balance quickly.

If you'd like to know more about your dosha, you can take a quick test at Banyan Botanicals, HeyMonicaB, or the Chopra Center.  These are all great resources to learn more about the doshas in general, and how you can return to your Prakruti.

What I love most about ayurveda and the doshas is that everyone is unique.  Modern health and nutrition advice is often very generalized.  They make broad statements and apply is to everyone.  But the doshas tell us that what is good for one may not be good for another.  A cold salad might be just what a pitta needs on a hot summer afternoon, but it will probably give a Vata gas and bloating.  There's a one-size-fits-all attitude in nutrition these days that really bothers me.  Ayurveda sees the individuality of health and wellness.  I like that.

There is a wonderful introduction to Ayurveda on the Bodhi Yoga website as well.  It's a short video where Syl Carson, founder of Bodhi Yoga, talks about the doshas and why they're important.

Running Yoga

I really enjoy a good run.

I used to dislike running-- it made me hurt.  I got some Vibram five-finger shoes to try out and I've been a runner ever since.  They made my stride more natural, and all of a sudden my aches and pains went away.  This is not a paid endorsement, I just love my shoes :)

So after I go for a run, my favorite way to cool down and stretch my warm and tired muscles is to go through a few flowing postures.  Running raises my Vata, the energy of air and movement.  I like to take a few minutes to ground myself again by coming to my mat.

I thought I'd share with you some of my favorite post-run asanas and why I like them.

Low Lunge (Anjaneyasana)

After a few sun salutations, come into this asana from downward-facing dog.  Exhale your right leg forward between your hands, let your left knee drop to the mat, and gently inhale your torso upward, sweeping your arms above your head.  Make sure to keep your pelvis slightly tilted under as you let your hips sink toward the earth.  Let your chest gently rise toward the sky. 

I love the nice stretch this gives your hip flexors.  It keeps my psoas muscles from becoming too tight-- a problem that can often plague runners because of the repetitive lifting motion inherent in running.  Stretching these muscles can help reduce and relieve tendonitis in the hips.

Pyramid (Parsvottonasana)

From low lunge, exhale your arms to the mat, curl your back toes under allowing the left knee to lift off the mat.  You're in runner's lunge.  Inhale, allowing your chest to lift off your thigh, and exhale as you straighten your right leg, pressing your hips straight back.  Both legs straighten (only as far as your body allows with a straight back) as heels come to the mat, and hands come to blocks if needed.  Both hips face forward; let your head and neck relax into the forward fold.  Toes are pointing forward.

I like to move between runner's lunge on the inhale and pyramid on the exhale.  Gently loosening the hips and hamstrings.  Just be sure to keep those hips level and facing forward during Pyramid to get the full effect of the pose.

Triangle (Trikonasana)

Feet come to heel arch alignment (the right heel is in line with the left foot's arch-- so your front foot is facing forward, and your back foot is facing the side wall).  Inhale and reach your arms overhead, exhale and press your hips toward the back wall as you reach your right arm toward the front wall.  Allow your right hand to fall toward the mat, gently supporting you in the pose with either a block behind the right calf or placing your hand on your shin.  Hips are opening toward the side wall, and you feel three lines of energy--- radiating down and out your legs, stretching the crown of your head forward and your tailbone backward, lengthening your arms up and down.  


Revolved Triangle (Parivrtta Trikonasana)

Moving from Triangle pose, inhale your torso back to standing.  Legs remain where they are (back foot rotating in so it is pointing toward the upper left corner of your mat) as you reach forward with your left arm and square the hips.  Torso rotates toward the right.

I like how this gets to the muscles along the sides of my legs (especially around the iliotibial band-- the long tendon that runs along the side of your thigh from knee to hip).

There are so many asanas that can help you cool down from a run, but these are a few of my favorites.  Try them, I think you'll agree!

Bodhi Yoga

Failure

I've been struggling with my kids lately.  We've moved houses, and the stress of the whole situation (as well as the transition to new bedrooms, new routines, and a new school) is starting to get to all of us.  One of the questions that often find runs through my mind is, "Am I failing as a mother?"

A year ago, even having this question enter my mind would throw me into a torrent of guilt and self-shame over things I had done or hadn't done.  I shouldn't have yelled at my poor son for spilling the honey.  I should be teaching them better; I should be teaching them more instead of letting their brains rot in front of the television.

Thankfully, that question now offers a serious time for reflection.  I can pause before I burden myself with guilt.  I can see it as an honest question.

In order to know if I'm failing, I need to know what failure looks like.  For me, being a mother is about love.  Do my children know that I love them?  Yes.  Therefore, I am not failing.  I might not be excelling at motherhood in a temporal sense--- my birthday parties are not pinterest worthy, my body is still soft and baggy from my last pregnancy...two years ago, my house is definitely not organized, and my husband has to fix dinner most nights because I'm simply too burned out--- but in an eternal sense, I am a successful mother because I love my kids and I show them love.

It's nice to be able to see things more clearly than I did a few years ago.  Guilt and shame do not need to be part of my daily existence.  That's something that I came to terms with as I learned more about the Chakras.  Learn more about the chakras at Bodhi Yoga.

Sthira and Sukha

Sthira means strong, connected, stable, unmoving.

Sukha means ease, relaxation, comfort, softness.

Practicing yoga is balancing these two opposites.  How many times have you heard the cue, "relax into the pose," and think to yourself, "How in the hell am I supposed to relax without collapsing?"

Patanjali describes the practice of asana only briefly in his description of yoga in the Yoga Sutras.  He uses the term "sthira sukham asanam" (Yoga Sutra 2.46).  Swami Jnaneshvara Bharati translated that as:

• The posture (asana) for Yoga meditation should be steady, stable, and motionless, as well as comfortable, and this is the third of the eight rungs of Yoga. 

I like the fact that he refers to asana practice as meditation postures.  Asana practice has always been a way to overcome our "mind-stuff" and allow for greater concentration and focus on the present.

You have to have strength in order to hold a pose like Warrior III or Handstand.  But how do you find the ease and comfort?  I focus on my connections to the ground.  That's where my stability, unmoving, and stable aspect comes from.  I pull energy from the ground to keep my whole body strong.  Then I allow myself to sink into the posture as I exhale.  My muscles may not relax, but my mind relaxes as I feel the pose.  I take notice of what I'm feeling and where-- I let thoughts pass through my mind like clouds passing in the sky without getting stuck or hooked by any train of thought.  

For me, this principle makes so much sense on the mat.  I love this aspect of practicing yoga.  I start to stumble and fumble with this principle when it comes to life off of the mat.

As a mother of three, it seems like a constant battle between sthira (read: mom's need for control) and sukha (read: chaos reigns) as opposed to a harmonious joining of the two.  Even in that last sentence you can see my experience coloring my description--- I feel like when I stop controlling things, all hell breaks loose.  

And that's just not true.  We can be strong and in control without being controlling.  We can be relaxed and at ease without being lazy.  In theory....right?

That's my goal this week--- find the ease and comfort in my planning.  Find a moment to sit back and enjoy those things that I have planned.  Then find the strength to get back up again and do what needs to be done.  

My favorite part about training with Syl at Bodhi Yoga was learning the "power in a slow approach." I feel like it was my introduction into the principles of ease and strength working together.

Being Present

I often find myself making statements like this, "Yoga is..."

And the ending to that sentence is almost never the same.  One of the most difficult things I've faced as a new teacher isn't describing the poses, or teaching alignment or modifications for different bodies.  I have trouble transmitting "the yoga."

I want my students to leave class with a greater sense of peace than when they entered the classroom. I've been to so many classes where the teacher is able to transmit the feeling of "yoga" through his or her manner of speech, pacing, and small comments made at just the right moment.  

There have been a few classes where that harmonious feeling has been present, but I've also taught quite a few where it just wasn't happening.  And it seemed like the more I focused on trying to get that feeling, the more elusive it became.  Of course.  Isn't that the way of things?

According to Patanjali's Yoga Sutra 1.2 

"Yoga is the restriction of the fluctuations of mind-stuff," as translated by James Haughton Woods (Harvard Press, 1935).  Alexandria Crow, a modern vinyasa teacher and blogger, says it more succinctly, "Yoga is NOW."

I love that-- being present.  Isn't that what yoga is all about?  Being here in the now.  So I'm doing yoga as I breathe in the line at the grocery store instead of getting angry and irritated.  I'm doing yoga when I look away from my phone to look into the eyes of my child and interact with him.  Yoga is being here, not focused on the mistakes I made yesterday or making meal plans for next week.

We use the asanas as a tool to help us get there.  The physical movements help us come out of our "mind-stuff" and into our bodies, experiencing the here and now.  

So when we step onto our mats for a yoga session and spend the whole time thinking about how we look or if we're holding a pose longer than our neighbor... that's not yoga.  That's just exercise. 

My favorite form of yoga is stopping what I'm doing, getting on my knees, and looking into the eyes of my 2-year old as she tries so hard to tell me what just happened to her.  That may not sound like yoga, but it brings me back to the present every time.  Simply looking into the eyes of a small child, whose entire world is the present, makes me remember that what's happening NOW is important. 

Bodhi Yoga

Savasana

The physical practice of yoga, the movements and asanas, are to prepare our bodies and minds for stillness.

We use the physical poses to move energy through our bodies.  We awaken our chakras.  We bring our mind and attention to the here and now.  We bring our bodies and our minds into perceived stress so that we may practice breathing through the stress and relaxing.

So go ahead, enjoy Savasana.  It's the pinnacle of your practice.  

Unstuck

I have been listening to a lecture (?) given by Pema Chodron called "Getting Unstuck."  (You can find it on Audible.com and I highly recommend it!)

What has struck me most about this series of talks she gives on meditation, is the principle of becoming "unstuck."  She talks about letting thoughts pass through your mind like clouds in the sky.  They happen; you can't stop thinking (or at least I can't yet!), but you can stop being hooked by these thoughts.  Allow them to pass by without getting sucked into the thought process.

I've been trying to notice which thoughts "hook" me most in my daily practice.  It's almost always planning what comes next in my day.  I'm on the mat, I'm enjoying my yoga, but inevitably my mind wanders to what happens after yoga.  What do I have to do today?  What is on the calendar for this week?  When am I going to be able to go grocery shopping?  Did I remember to schedule a sitter for the parent-teacher conference on Friday?

And pretty soon I'm no longer on my mat, I'm already onto the next activity.

Now that I know that I get hooked easily by planning, the next step is to recognize when I've been hooked and come back out of it.  Let go.  Come back to my breath.

Bodhi Yoga

Sleep

Sometimes I think yoga is merely a wakeful sleep.

When we sleep our breathing deepens and lengthens.

In yoga, we lengthen and deepen our breath.

When we sleep our mind is free to explore the subconcious.

In yoga, we seek to free our mind.

When we sleep our body is at rest.

In yoga, we seek to bring rest and relaxation to our body.  We release tension.

When we sleep, our body is busy ridding itself of toxins, food, and waste from the day.

In yoga, we detoxify, ignite digestion, and speed-along waste removal through twists, bends, and deep breathing.

Obviously one does not replace the other, but I do think they improve together.  I certainly sleep better when I've practiced yoga that day, and my yoga practice is always more beneficial when I've had a good night's rest.  Lovely symbiosis of sorts.  :)

Bodhi Yoga  

The yoga of Procrastination

I am the Queen of Procrastination-- if not the reigning queen, at least some sort of royalty.   It's a habit that I cannot break because I have not tried.  Honestly, I didn't even consider it a "habit" (don't you hate that word--- honestly, when do we ever use it in a good sense?) until recently.

I've been procrastinating writing these blog posts, not because I dislike writing (it's actually one of my preferred activities), or because I dislike the topic of yoga (usually you can't get me to stop talking about yoga), and not because I don't have anything to say or contribute.  I have been procrastinating writing these blogs merely because it was an assignment given to me.  

Raise your hand if you can relate.

You could be happily engaging in your favorite activity when somebody else says, "Oh good, you're doodling endlessly on a notebook.  Would you mind filling up the entire cover before tonight?  I'll give you ten dollars!"  All of a sudden that fun task is now a job with a deadline.  Of course I would agree, wouldn't you?  Ten dollars for doodling on a notebook that is almost filled anyway?!  Heck ya!

But of course, within minutes, I would get bored and decide that it would be waaaay better to doodle on my shoe, or the other notebook I have, or my bare leg.  All of a sudden it's ten minutes before "tonight" and I still haven't finished the cover.  

Oftentimes you will find list making as a remedy to procrastination.  Am I the only one that finds that completely counter productive??  As soon as I write down a list of things that NEED to get done today, it feels like a demand.  I will almost always do everything else that needs to be done around the house EXCEPT for the things on the list.  I've heard one writer call this the "Ninja" approach to procrastination.  If you're putting off a task, do other things that need to be done, instead of doing unproductive things like endlessly googling pictures of celebrities or something.  

What IS it about being told to do something that makes me so averse to doing it!?  Well, here's my yogic take on this form of procrastination.

In order to resolve the problem, break the habit, stop kicking the wheel, stop the cycle of perpetuation, or whatever phrase you'd like to insert here, I need to see the situation clearly.  Is it a problem?  Really?  Why is it a problem?  Am I hurting people?  Am I hurting myself?  What are the consequences of continuing life without changing this part of me?  Do I like this part of me?

Pondering upon these questions will help you see the situation from different angles.  It's not judging the habit--- that can be counterproductive because judgment brings guilt or shame or embarrassment or other feelings with it.  You can't see something clearly when it is clouded by emotion.  Be honest and truthful.  It can be helpful to do some free-form journaling while pondering these questions.

Procrastination tends to correlate to the 3rd Chakra, the solar plexus.  Spending a few moments daily on awakening this chakra may help alleviate some of the symptoms.

Yoga poses that strengthen your core will help awaken your 3rd chakra.

Boat Pose and Lion's breath are explained very well here.
You could also do strong, standing poses like Warrior I and Warrior II.  Focusing on the strength needed to hold these poses.  Feel the strength radiating out from your core, granting you stability and power.

Taking time to meditate, using a mudra (hand position) that corresponds to the third chakra, will help awaken and enliven this power center in your body.   Come to a seated kneeling position (bottom on your heels), bring your hands together in front of your stomach fingertips together pointing away from you (like prayer position with the fingertips pointing away from your body), cross your thumbs and straighten your fingers.  With this hand position, focus on the third chakra and think about what it means and represents.  Chant the sound "RAM" (sounds like "Mom").

Bodhi Yoga offers a chakra healing deck of cards that is a wonderful tool in helping to awaken the chakras.

Journey

Everything in life is a journey, and if you can learn to enjoy it, you will love life.

That's not a famous quote or anything, that's just what I think.  So often I get trapped into looking for the end result, that I forget the journey.  

Parenting is a journey.  In my desire to raise righteous, wise, and loving children (an "end result"), I forget that I won't be able to gauge my success in that goal until the process is over.  Sure, there are signs along the way.  When big brother decides to give little sister a hug instead of a punching her, or when sisters bring you a bag of Halloween candy and ask, "Pweese? Some?"  instead of eating the whole bag by themselves in the corner of their closet.  Those are moments that give a glimpse of a "job well-done," so to speak.

But oftentimes I forget to enjoy the moments that will bring about the "end result."  When big brother decides to kick the sister who has taken his toy and you have to explain about hurt and pain.  You have to show him the pain he's caused and help him see the consequences of his actions.  Which all sounds so much more pleasant than what happens (i.e. "Uh-oh!  Did you just kick your sister?! We do NOT kick.  Kicking hurts people; look at your sister.  Would you like it if she kicked you?  etc. etc.)

My yoga journey is the same.  I love being able to share wonderful insights or bits of knowledge about anatomy and yoga philosophy while teaching.  I love being able to make my way into a forearm stand and hold it confidently in the middle of the room.  I love seeing lean, strong muscles in my arms and legs.  

But I forget to love the moments that gave me those things.  I need to love the dolphin plank pose, held for many, many breaths that helped build the forearm stand.  I need to love the hours of study required for my certification that gives me those bits of knowledge I like to share.  I need to love gentle monotony of a regular flow that strengthened my soft bits into muscle.  

The other thing about journeys is that nobody is ever taking the same one.  My yoga journey (and parenting journey) are different than yours, and even though we might appear to be at the same place in our journeys, we got here in very different ways.  That means there is no place for judgment, only appreciation.  

Bodhi Yoga

The Healing Arts

My father passed away recently.  I say recently because it still feels as raw as the day it happened.  Really, it was quite a few months ago.  He died, fairly unexpectedly, from cancer.  It was unexpected in how quickly it all happened, but obviously, we knew he had cancer, so the possibility was always there.

The most bittersweet memories of my life are the few days that I spent at his bedside while he withered away.  I cannot think of those days without shedding tears, but also being filled with gratitude.  My entire family was there.  It was incredibly spiritual and sacred to be with my father as he passed in and out of this world.

During class today, I rested in Savasana with my students.  As I lay there, I remembered gently massaging acupressure points on my Dad's legs and face.  I re-lived the moments of helping him through the pain and nausea.  I was able, during that time, to give my one and only partner-yoga session.  I'm not technically trained in thai massage or thai partner yoga-- and this definitely was not a "normal" session-- but I used what little knowledge and training I had in hands-on adjusting and Marma points, to relieve some of his muscle aches.  He had been in bed for a long time, unable to move himself and unwilling to let the nurse move him.

Because of my training, and a spiritual gift I had been ignoring, I was able to "hear" him when he couldn't speak.  I could feel my Dad's energies, letting me know where  and how to move his joints to relieve pressure.

Since his passing, I have had several experiences with his spirit, letting me know that I have been blessed with the "healer's art."  It's a gift I have been given, and it's there for me to cultivate.

Yoga is a healing art.  I have been healed through yoga, and I have witnessed others be healed.  My mentor, Syl Carson, was healed physically from many ailments through yoga.  I have been healed mentally.  I'm still healing emotionally.

Yoga in sanskrit means "to yoke."  To bring all parts of your being together.  In my words: to make whole.

Learn more about Therapuetic Partner Yoga here:  http://www.gobodhiyoga.com/utah-yoga-partner-training/

Ignorance

Do you ever wish sometimes you didn't know something?  I find enlightenment exhilarating and wonderful, but then once you know something...you can't un-know it.  So inevitably, it changes you and your habits, behaviors, etc.  

I remember when I didn't know that gluten was hurting my body (a personal allergy I have).  It was so nice to eat whatever I wanted and not worry about it!  Aaah, the joy of eating a piece of cake without guilt, and without the accompanying pains and discomforts.  I still felt the same physical pains and discomforts, but because I didn't know where they came from--- the delight of eating the cake was unmarred.  sigh :)  

Obviously, things are so much better now that I DO know.  My body doesn't hurt; things are functioning properly and I can recognize the signs of this allergy in my children.  But I will never again be able to not know again.  

The same goes for spiritual and emotional knowledge.  Sometimes along our journey toward mindful living we have an epiphany or we suddenly see something in our life very clearly.  It changes us instantly because we'll never be able to unlearn it--- but sometimes the process of living it is so much harder.  We find ourselves yearning for the easier days of not knowing.  Alas, we are already changed, just by knowing.

Bodhi Yoga

Thai Yoga and Acro Yoga

I have been assisting in weekly class given by Sandy Kalik called "Power and Play."  It. Is. Awesome.    Not only is Sandy one of my favorite teachers, but it's been such a wonderful introduction into AcroYoga.

We do about 30-40 minutes of flow (which is a power vinyasa flow because the studio where this class is given is a power yoga studio) geared toward whatever inversions we are working on that day. Then we spend 15-20 minutes practicing and playing with inversions like handstand, forearm stand, headstand, and sometimes arm balances.  Then we use the remaining time to work with partners and play with some simple acrobatic yoga poses.

I love this class because I've always harbored a secret desire to be a circus performer (seriously...), but ALSO because it allows me to practice an aspect of yoga that I'm really terrible at--- opening yourself up to support others and be supported.

My favorite part of this class is watching the community build from week to week.  We all started out without any knowledge of AcroYoga.  We were all strangers; we didn't know each others names.  And it is so easy to maintain your sense of individuality and isolation in a yoga class.  You come, you practice, you leave.  check it off your list.

But in this class, when you have your feet on someone else's bottom, it's very hard to stay alone.  Little by little we learned each other's names and stories.  Every week we'd have new people, and the regulars would welcome them and learn their names and stories.  The simple exercise of allowing myself to give my weight over to another person, letting my feet come off the ground, taught me the importance of giving and accepting help.

Alone we could not have the same kind of experience that we could have as a group.

I was introduced to this concept when I first learned about Thai Partner Yoga at Bodhi Yoga.  It was eye opening to see how hands-on adjustment, when both the giver and the receiver are in a yoga pose,  can benefit both people at once.  That's definitely the next training I'd like to attend!