When your body grieves

I had a miscarriage last week.  It was my first miscarriage.  I have three beautiful, healthy children who are still quite young.  So, in all honesty, losing the pregnancy was not a tragedy in my mind.  It's something that happens to a lot of women.

Of course it's sad.  I cried when the ultrasound doctor told me they could not find a heartbeat and that the fetus had stopped growing several weeks before.  But it didn't take long for my logical side to come out and say, "You know what, it's better this way."  My personal religious beliefs are that the spirit of this child will have another opportunity to come into our family at a later date.  This particular body was not developing properly or something.

Because I had so many reasons to be "okay" with the loss of this pregnancy (not the right time, my other kids are still too young, I have a lot going on right now, etc.), I moved forward.  I didn't really give myself much time to grieve because I felt closure.  

It was only a few weeks later that the actual miscarriage occurred.  My mind had moved on, but my body was just barely coming to terms with the loss of a child.  I found myself bursting into tears at random times.  I saw my friend's newborn boy and started sobbing.  I opened a letter from St. Jude's Cancer Research that contained a picture of a young child with cancer and I started wailing.  

Hormones, of course, were a large part of this, I'm sure.  But I also think my body--- my physical body-- was grieving for the loss of the pregnancy.  Whenever I would start crying,  I could step outside myself and look at the situation from an outsiders perspective.  I was thinking, "Who is this crazy lady? What is going on here?"  There was a separation between my emotional mind and my physical mind.  

Ganga White talks about our different energies in "Yoga Beyond Belief."  He talks of our physical bodies and our energetic bodies--- sometimes while in a pose, our physical body is only going so far, but our energetic body is reaching far beyond our capacity.  I feel like my energetic body was ready to move forward, let go.  But my physical body still needed time to grieve.

Each cell in our body has it's own little life, and each cell is renewed with prana as we deeply inhale and exhale.  We are renewing life force in all parts of our body.

So, for me, it holds true that those cells would also feel and experience that loss of energy that was my miscarriage.  That power to give life was stopped short, and I felt it physically and energetically.

This may make no sense to anyone but me.  It's an experience that brings home the fact that our emotions are completely intertwined with our physical body.  Releasing tension in the physical body will often release tension emotionally and vice versa.  Syl Carson is a wonderful practitioner of emotional healing as well and offers trainings in energy healing that I hope to attend one day.  See more here: Bodhi Yoga Quan.TM training

Yoga and Religion

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I have been a member of this religion since I was 8 years old.  I love going to church, and I have a strong, deep-rooted belief in the truth of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ.

One of the reasons why I love yoga is because it complements my study of the gospel.  I believe that all truth is part of one great whole.  Truth can be found in so many places, and I love the feeling of seeing the same truth from two different angles.  Like watching a ballet from the audience, and then watching it again from backstage.

Bodhi Yoga

Locking out the Kids

The deadline for completing my yoga certification hours is fast approaching.  I have to buckle down and start writing the few final posts on this blog (which I have been putting off for some time.  See The yoga of Procrastination).  In order to do this, I've had to start locking myself in my bedroom while the kids are busy with safe activities.  They always notice my absence within minutes (I'm fairly certain they have some sort of factory-installed mom-radar) and come knocking on the door.

Actually, my girls come pounding on the door yelling and crying.  My son will come over a few minutes later, and I'll hear him say, "Wait... stop... I know what to do."  Then they will all go silent and Nicholas' sweet little voice will come ringing out from the crack under the door.  "Mom?  Are you in there?"

This used to give me mom-guilt.  I used to open the door, with a sigh, the very first time they knocked.  Heck, I never used to even close the door, let alone lock it!

Well, this experience of locking the door and being okay with it has led me to extend the idea further. Every day I interact with people.  I talk to students, store clerks, bag boys, friends, acquaintances, other moms at the playground, people from my husband's work, etc.  Every time to interact with someone, you open up an energy channel connecting you and the other person.

Oftentimes we focus on opening our heart to others-- allowing them into your life-- but I think just as important is knowing when to close that door.  It's okay to close the door to your inner fire and energy, protect it.

When I tried to complete something important with my door wide open, I was always bombarded by small children groping, seeking my attention, ruining my work.  The same can happen when we leave our energy centers wide open--- we'll be bombarded by energy from other people's feelings, desires, and even other planes of energies.  It can overpower our own energy.

I really, really enjoyed this article about opening vs. awakening our energy centers.

I would also take a look at all the wonderful information about chakras available on Bodhi Yoga website.

Yoga as a career

There is a change taking place in my yoga.  Because of the teacher training I've been finishing, the hours of study and practice teaching I've been doing, yoga is becoming a job.  I no longer do yoga only for the pure enjoyment, but also to meet an end goal.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  

I have been so very thankful for the yoga teachers I've had the privilege to study under.  Without journey into the healing arts would have come to a halt many years ago.  So I am grateful that they took the time to become teachers, to get certified, and to hone their practice.  But it makes me wiggle uncomfortably when I think about building up my own teaching career.  

For one, I feel like I am very much a student-- still learning, still unsure, still in need of instruction.  I feel a little ill-equipped to teach with authority.

Secondly, I take a look around and I see what it really takes to be a "successful" teacher.  One must build up a following of students which seems to require a bit of self-promotion.  I just find it hard to marry this idea of self-promotion with the goal of ridding yourself of ego which is so prominent in the practice of asana.  

I'm grateful for the example of Syl, founder of Bodhi Yoga, because I feel that she consistently points students toward yoga and not herself.  But it is so rarely the case out here (in MA).  Some of my favorite teachers-- really skilled, qualified teachers--- spend more time promoting their practice than actually practicing.  

I have no conclusion.  Just musings.  I guess I am grateful that yoga will always be a "side job" for me, as raising my children is still my first priority. 

Throat Chakra

There are 7 sacred energy centers in your body called the chakras.  Places where prana, or life force, freely flows.  Ideally, energy spirals upward from the base of your spine, passing through each of these centers in turn.  Each center connects with different parts of the body, different emotions, different periods of your life, etc.  It can spin sluggishly or too quickly, causing energy blockages or too much energy passing through.

Kundalini-style yoga helps balance the flow of energy through the chakras. 

I like to lay in Savasana after any yoga practice and take notice of how the energy is flowing through my body.  It often helps me recognize where energy is getting blocked and focus my intention on releasing the blockage.  

For me, it's easiest to notice my throat chakra.  Unspoken words, unacknowledged emotions, denied truth, all rest in your throat chakra.  

Today my son, N, was playing with his favorite cousin when a friend came over.  His cousin and his friend immediately hit it off and started playing together without realizing they were leaving N out.  This went on for most of the day; cousin and friend raucously playing with N tagging along behind.  Then the legos came out and emotions ran high as they argued over which one of them had the idea to build a transformer robot.  I could tell there was more behind N's frustration than just legos, and sure enough, after a few minutes he quietly left the room to go hide in a quiet spot with teary eyes.  I followed after him and asked, "Hey, are you okay?"  He was trying to hold in his tears and he pointed at his throat and said, "My neck just hurts here, Mom."  His throat chakra.  All the sadness, anger, loneliness, frustration he'd been feeling all day was literally stopping up his throat.  

We sat and talked for a few minutes and I encouraged him to try and say what he was feeling.  Mostly, I just tried to listen, to let him express those words and thoughts he was holding back all day long.  

When my father had cancer, my whole family spoke of him as if he was going to recover and get back to normal.  We prayed every day that he would make a full recovery.  We ignored his worsening state and focused on the few small bits of good news that came so few and far between.  After many, many months of this, my throat became scratchy and hoarse.  My throat felt swollen and tender.  It wasn't until I lay in Savasana noticing the energy flow in my body that I recognized the ball of tension in my throat chakra.  

I thought to myself, "What am I not saying?"  And instantly my father came to mind.  My father was dying.  Of course I didn't want this happen, and of course I wanted to manifest his recovery and send healing thoughts his way.  But the simple act of expressing that thought that I had been repressing for so very long dissolved the blockage.  The dull ache in my throat that seemed to always be present was gone.  I did not feel good; I did not like that statement.  But saying it was liberating.  My father was dying from cancer.  Nothing changed, but I was able to face the situation with a little more clarity.  I felt a little more grounded and peaceful with whatever may come.

My favorite poses for the throat chakra:

Fish Pose

Wheel

See more about the chakras at Bodhi Yoga--- there is an online workshop that's wonderful!

Fasting

Fasting, when you abstain from food or drink, is a common practice in many religions.  It is also a common practice in Ayurveda (which, in my mind, is very closely tied to yoga).  In both instances, it is used to cleanse and purify the body/mind connection.   

Having an empty stomach gives your body time to "catch up."  It helps renew your digestive fire (agni) and promotes mental clarity.  There are many different kinds of fasting--- you could abstain from all food and drink, abstain from solid foods but continue to drink water and herbal teas, you could eat only fruits, vegetables, and juices, or you could eat only light foods (like a kitchari cleanse).

It's important to choose the timing, duration, and type of fast according to your constitution and digestive strength.  A long fast with no food or water may not be the best choice for a Vata constitution, while a simple kitchari cleanse might not be strong enough for a Kapha type.  Be wise in your choices, and consult an Ayurvedic practitioner if you're really not sure.

I love coming to my mat during a fast to do a few restful postures.  Fasting is a perfect time to practice restorative yoga.  Bring some large, firm pillows or cushions with you to your mat.  Begin with your breath, sitting in an easy, comfortable pose.  Allow your mind to be still, breathe in with a relaxed abdomen, filling your body with air from the top down.  When you're filled with air, pause for a few seconds before gently beginning the exhale.  After every last drop of air has been expelled, pause for a moment before inhaling once more.  Slowly breathing, mentally focusing on the breath, your mind will settle and your body will relax.  

Try placing a few pillows or cushions behind you and gently leaning backward, supporting your body on the cushions.  Your arms can fall open to the sides. 

Restorative yoga is all about giving your body time to rest, relax, and sink into each posture.  It's all about supporting your body so that it can relax.  

Bodhi Yoga offers the best restorative yoga classes I've ever attended.  If you're in the area, give one a try!  

Kratu

Kratu was one of the four mind-born sons of Brahma, ______ .  He was intelligence personified.

My teacher, Syl Carson of Bodhi Yoga, used the word "kratu" to mean our personal wisdom and intelligence in action.  She would often tell us to use our "kratu" while practicing to make sure we don't get hurt, or to use our "kratu" while teaching others to make sure we are not hurting them.

I love this idea of intelligence in action.  It's one thing to know something, and it's another thing entirely to put that knowledge to use wisely.

Just as an example, let's talk about high school.  When I was 16 I knew how to drive.  I had taken drivers education; I passed my driving exam; I was given my license.  I knew how to drive.

I routinely put that knowledge into action by going to the city (an hours drive) with my friends regularly.  Not to mention the time I put in driving to and from school, parties, athletic events, etc.  I'd say I'd logged at least 1000 hours driving before I was 17.

But was I wise in the use of this knowledge??  oooooooh dear me.  I had 4 accidents before I was 18. Yes, you read that right.  3 of those 4 accidents happened within 6 months of each other.  I accidentally backed into a family friend in a parking lot; I turned left into an oncoming car; I rear-ended a fellow student when it was raining and slippery; and I side-swiped a concrete pillar in my sister's brand-new mini-van.  Sigh.  No, I was not wise in the practice of my driving knowledge.

Intelligence in action is using your knowledge wisely--- I may "know" how to do yoga because I've been practicing for years.  I may "know" how to teach yoga because I took a teacher training course.  But am I using that knowledge wisely?

It's an interesting question to ponder.  I believe that with every class I teach, with every new interaction with a student, and especially with my own personal practice time, my wisdom grows.