Shiva and Shakti

I am a mother of three.  I have a son, N, who is 3 years old.  L and K, as previously mentioned, are 1-year-old twin girls.  I am on Prozac.

Seriously.  :)  I know that sounded like a joke, but I really am.  My journey through mothering little ones in the dead of a New England winter has been interesting.  I never, in a MILLION YEARS, thought that I would be "that woman" on an anti-depressant.  I'm a natural, wholistic, healer!  Why would I allow that "garbage" in my system!?  Alas, here I am, and you know what?  I'm happy.  I am able to enjoy my children, and enjoy my yoga.

Do not think that I am advertising medication here.  I'm not.  That's a totally personal decision for every person.  I am simply sharing a small portion of my story in order to preface what I really wanted to talk about.

As I was laying in Savasana after a really invigorating, strengthening practice at Roots Yoga this morning, I turned my attention to the energy that I had just built up through my practice and how it was flowing through my body.  I do this in my resting poses, and it helps me "see" where the energy flow is  blocked (or "leaking").  I was surprised to find ALL of the energy rolling around in huge tidal waves around my head.  What?  Usually when I do this, I feel massive amounts of energy radiating up from my root chakra to my sacral chakra, minimizing into a small stream of energy at my heart chakra upward.  I've been focusing on opening my heart lately, so I was hoping I would feel the energy rolling up in larger spirals through my heart.  But to find a complete disconnect from the 3rd eye down??  Whaaaaaat is going on??!  I was just about to delve a little deeper and explore this more when we were called out of Savasana to finish the class.

I left the studio totally flummoxed, and I pondered this "numb" feeling that I had from the head down.  When I came home, I headed down to my office without even checking in with the kids.  I had to find out what was going on... I needed to make sense of what I was feeling (that's my Pitta talking there!).  I sat myself down on my meditation pillow (which is actually just my tempurpedic mattress in the guest room), and you know what I came up with??  Shiva and Shakti.

So, this medicine I'm on has "turned off" my Shakti.  When I realized that, I panicked a little bit.  "Does that mean I'm going against nature?  Do I need to get off this medicine?  Am I ignoring the call to be one with my body!?"  The longer I stay on this medicine, the more I am residing in my Shiva energy.  For me, that is okay right now.

I reflect back to two short months ago, before I was on this medicine.  I was RULED by Shakti.  My entire being was in emotional turmoil.  I was out for the count if I didn't get enough sleep.  My emotions were dominated by whatever hormone was flowing through my body at that stage in my cycle.  I had no sense of control.  When my children cried, I broke down and cried with them.  Not just empathetic tears rolling down my still face, but on the ground, body-wracking sobs.  It felt like I was drowning in a sea of emotion-- anger, anxiety, hurt, frustration, sadness, joy, ecstasy, panic, whatever!  I was ruled by my body.  (The sex was phenomenal :)  But that's a story for another day).

I'm not an expert in this area, but it seems to me that the point of having both energies within us is to have them balanced.  The hope is to have them working with each other--- shiva enlightens shakti, shakti allows shiva to manifest.  So being totally ruled by my shakti energy, not fun.  Now I find myself on this medicine that has turned my shakti dial down.  The longer I stay on the medicine, the more my shakti is quieted.

My intention when I started this medicine was always to be on it as short a time as possible.  6 months, a year at most.  I am grateful for this time that I'll have with a little respite from my shakti energy.  I wouldn't want to stay like this forever.  I miss feeling with intensity, but I don't miss it enough to want it back just yet.  I will enjoy and relish this opportunity to explore a different side of myself, and hopefully marry those two sides when the time comes to go off the medicine.

If this made any sense to anyone, great.  If anyone has questions, let me know.  This was more of a cathartic expression of my conclusions during meditation.  I just wanted to get some thoughts down before they escaped again.

http://goyogaonline.com  (This is the online branch of the studio where I did my teacher training.  It's a wonderful source to learn a little more about the shiva/shakti energies and the chakras.)

Leading with the heart

I walked up and down the street with my kids this afternoon astounded by the openness of their hearts.  We talk about "leading with the heart" in your poses.  That phrase is oft used in yoga classes and descriptions of how to find balance within a pose.  But I don't think I knew what it meant until I watched K and L running with their chests leading; their little shoulder blades pulled back so far they almost seemed to pinch closed!  Complete abandon, is what came to mind.

They don't care what they look like.  They aren't thinking about falling.  They aren't thinking about anything else in the world.  Their only focus is on getting their little body over to that space just there in front of them.  Seeing what they want, they launch themselves toward it will full purpose of heart.  Literally HEART.  Their chests lead the way.

Now, I'm not saying we should all walk about with our chests sticking out like toddlers.  We choose to close our hearts for many reasons.  But wouldn't it be interesting to be able to harness that openness in our practice?  I'm definitely going to have K and L in mind when I do my next wheel pose, striving to open my chest.  

I will be thinking about what it means to lead with my heart in my asanas, but also in my intention.  Can I lead with my heart as a mother?  What does that mean?  What changes would that make in my daily interactions? hmm....


P.S.  Here's where I did my teacher training.  http://gobodhiyoga.com

Toddlers: born yogis

Since returning from my teacher training at Bodhi Yoga in Utah, I find myself with much more time to sit and watch my children.  I can't seem to figure out why I was running around so quickly before!  Constantly trying to get something done or meet an arbitrary goal that I had given myself.  Even when I "took time to relax," I wasn't relaxed.  I was passively doing something rather than actively doing something.  We'll see how long this delicious inner peace lasts...

Anyway, the point of this post is that watching my children has made me realize that toddlers are natural yogis!  Every posture they assume is an asana.  K crouches down to look at a bug and she's in Malasana (squat).  As L plays, she bends over until her head reaches the ground and she's in Prasaritta (wide-legged forward fold).  Meanwhile K has moved from her squat into downward-facing dog (Adho Mukha Svanasana) to follow the bug as it moves between her legs.  Even when they stand and look upward at our front window, they're standing in Tadasana (mountain pose).  All of these stances look totally normal and fluid in their little tiny bodies.

When did we decide that standing with one hip cocked to the side is more comfortable than a strong, solid mountain pose?  At what point did we decide that moving into these wonderfully free, natural poses is something only weird people do?  :)

Watching my girls ebb and flow effortlessly through their own natural progression of asanas has inspired me in own practice.  If I were to drop all ideas of what I "should" do and "what comes next?" in my daily yoga practice, where would my body move?  From a standing mountain pose, where would my 1-year-old twins go?  What would my body do if it were simply trying to get comfortable where it is?

That's the other remarkable part for me: the girls don't go into a pose and "hold it."  They move into and out of positions in order to make their body comfortable wherever they want to be.  I want my practice to have a little more of that comfort within the movement.  A little more Yin to balance the Yang I often bring to my mat after a long day of chasing the littles.

L and K in cobbler pose.